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30 July 2008 @ 11:23 am
Monk fic  
Title: A Case of Cats
Word Count: 1,487
Rating: G
Summary: Randy finds a way to cope with Stottlemeyer's new houseguest. Stottlemeyer/Disher.
Author's Notes: I would like to thank my betas, ice_whisper and luzzleanne, for helping me with this fic.

Randy Disher had known something was going on from the moment he had stepped inside Captain Stottlemeyer’s apartment. At first, he thought the captain did not want him there from the look he received as he stepped uninvited across the threshold, but he had been given that look before, and the captain usually warmed up to his presence after an hour or a few drinks. Still, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was different about Stottlemeyer’s apartment that he couldn’t quite place as he made his way slowly over to the sofa. None of the furniture had been changed, and none of the lights were burnt out, but he couldn’t figure out what was causing the uneasy sensation. He tried to ignore it, though, knowing the captain wouldn't allow anything dangerous to be in his apartment.

The sensation started as a tingling in the back of his nose as soon as he stepped through the door. By the time he sat down, he had sneezed once, but had ignored that first sneeze as a freak accident. The captain had given him one of his knowing smirks, but didn’t say anything in response to his sneeze, not even to ask him if he was okay, which Randy thought was a little odd, but he knew better than to question the captain. He casually popped the tab on his beer then nonchalantly took a sip as if the sneeze had never happened. If the captain was not even going to pretend to be concerned, then he was just going to act like nothing was wrong even though the nagging sensation continued to tickle the back of his nose.

By the time he started his second beer, the sneezing had increased to the point where he started to fear he was getting sick. He didn’t understand; he had been feeling perfectly fine all day while he had been working, but now he was sneezing as if he had been with a cold for the past two weeks. Thinking it would be beneficial to get some rest, especially if he was coming down with a cold, he excused himself from the living room and made his way down the hall to the captain’s bedroom. After sneezing again, he pushed open the door and stared blankly at the foot of the captain’s bed.

A small gray kitten was lying on the comforter, and at the sound of the door opening, it stretched its front legs. Yawning, the kitten rolled over to its stomach and blinked sleepily up at Randy. With a soft mew, it pushed itself to its feet and stumbled on too long legs to the edge of the bed. The kitten sat back down and started kneading the comforter with front paws, mewing softly again while it continued to stare up at Randy with large yellow eyes.

While he had been leaning against the doorway, wondering where the cat had come from and if this meant he was going to have to go back to his own apartment to sleep, Captain Stottlemeyer had left the living room and made his way down the hallway to see what he was doing.

“What is that?” Randy asked, pointing to the gray cat who had once again made itself comfortable on the captain’s bed before he sneezed again. The kitten mewed as if he had done something wrong by disturbing it.

“Oh, that. That’s a stray kitten who was starving outside my door.”

Randy sneezed again and glared at the cat. He knew it wasn’t the kitten’s fault that it was slowly killing him, but he had to wonder why the captain had brought it inside when he could have just as easily left a dish for the kitten outside. He didn’t like any of the answers he could think of.

“I’m thinking about naming her Miranda.”

“That’s not even funny.” He sneezed again and took a step away from the captain’s bedroom. The kitten lifted her head and mewed sadly after him. Trying to fight back the sneezes, he made his way down the hallway towards the door. He needed to get back to his cat-free apartment.

“I’m looking for a home for her, and as soon as she’s gone, I’ll have Monk come over to clean the entire apartment.”

He stopped at the door and sneezed again. “No, you won’t.” He wasn’t sure if he was denying the possibility of the captain getting rid of the cat since he was obviously attached to her or else he would not have brought her into the apartment in the first place, or the probability that Stottlemeyer would actually invite Monk over to his apartment and give him permission to clean things.

“Go home, get some rest,” Stottlemeyer ordered, patting him briefly on the shoulder, “I’ll let you know as soon as the kitten has a new home.”

A week passed, and Randy heard nothing about the status of the gray kitten. He was tempted to believe she was already gone, but he knew she was never going to leave. That kitten was crafty; he had seen the conspiracy in her yellow eyes as she had sleepily blinked up at him. She pretended to be cute and innocent, and Randy had no doubt she slept curled up against the captain’s shoulder in the middle of the night, but he knew she was plotting something. She knew she had found a warm home from the moment the captain had opened the door for her, and her current objective was to make it her own while driving out all competition. She had probably already tumbled her way on over-sized paws into the captain’s heart, and as long as she was there, he wouldn’t be able to go over to the captain’s apartment anymore. Oh yes, she was a devious little creature who had formulated the perfect plan. Although, since she was so new to the world, Randy was sure there was one thing she had not included in her plans.


“Randy, what are you doing here?” Stottlemeyer asked as he opened the door late Thursday night or early Friday morning depending on how he chose to think of it. For the first time, Randy actually thought the captain looked surprised to see him there. “I haven’t found a home for the cat yet.”

“I know. Not a problem,” he said as he stepped into the apartment with his hands in his pockets even though technically he had not been invited in yet. He always assumed the invitation was just a formality anyway. The gray kitten had gotten a little bigger since he had last seen her though she was still a little unsteady on her feet. She was also no longer confined to the bedroom and was currently flattened down on the sofa, experimentally batting with tiny claws at a small pink mouse. “Have you decided on a name for her yet?” he asked as he made his way over to the sofa and sat down next to her. She lost interest in the toy and turned around to stare curiously at him. He heard Stottlemeyer close the door and assumed that meant he could stay for just a little while.

“I’m not naming her because I’m not keeping her.”

“Just don’t name her Miranda,” he said, dangling his fingers over the kitten’s head. He knew it wouldn’t be too long before the captain resorted to calling her by a nickname. The kitten steadied herself on her back legs and reached up to lightly bat Randy’s fingers. Despite all her cunning, she actually was kind of cute. Though he was distracted by the cat, he did register that Stottlemeyer had started pacing across the expanse of the living room. He lifted his fingers higher, and she mewed pitifully when she could no longer reach them.

“Why aren’t you sneezing?”

“Claritin.” He started to scratch her back and as she began to purr, she arched up into his hand.

“Claritin,” Stottlemeyer repeated as he slouched down onto the sofa next to him.

“Which means,” Randy continued as he started stroking down her back, “you can keep her, and I can still come over as much as I want to.”

“That’s… that’s great.”

Randy easily ignored the fact that the captain hadn’t sounded particularly enthused about the arrangement, but he had a lot of practice in that department. The kitten stumbled across his lap and paused momentarily to nuzzle against his stomach. He tried not to be too disappointed when she continued on her way and climbed into the captain’s lap. She circled around a few times, and with a look up towards Randy, promptly collapsed on the captain’s legs and went to sleep. While he questioned as to whether or not he had just been outsmarted by a kitten, he was forced to acknowledge that she did deserve a home if she was that crafty.

Ice_Whisperice_whisper on July 30th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
Yup. Still adorable and still want more. =D
Welcome to the most boring LJ on the net!thsfuhqinsux on July 31st, 2008 01:12 pm (UTC)
Very cute. I listened to this twice yesterday, and snickered through it both times. It sounds just like Disher to keep inviting himself over, staying to all hours, 'the invitation is just a formality' and that part of him knows he wasn't invited and that Stottlemeyer has the cat to keep Randy from coming over, but he's still gonna try to find a way to do it anyway. :0D And it sounds like something Stottlemeyer would do, take in a cat because he knows Randy's allergic, and then keep giving Randy these looks, waiting for him to start reacting to the cat to see if his cunning plan worked.

Also, I loved Randy's conspiracy theory about the cat; it's not that the captain got the cat to keep him away, what it is is the cat showed up at the captain's door, intentionally half starved, and continuing to be all cute and pretending to be so sweet, just so she can stay, and it's all her evil plot to keep Randy away from the captain's apartment! It's always the cute ones that will do evil, spiteful, mean things like that, just because they know they can get away with it. Never mind that Randy is acting like a stray cat in his own way, like that song, "And the cat/lieutenant came back! The very next day, the cat/lieutenant came back..." I guess it's the similarity between the two that made him decide it was okay if she stayed, he had to admire her determination. That cat really was a lot like him.

Nice touch, the name that the captain was 'thinking of caller her'. Miranda could be shortened to 'Randi' very easily, that's probably what he was calling her when Randy wasn't there.
Welcome to the most boring LJ on the net!thsfuhqinsux on August 23rd, 2009 04:11 pm (UTC)
It's been over a year since I read this, and I had forgotten how extremely cute it was. I love it, you have Randy's voice and thought patterns nailed down so extremely well. I don't normally care for stories that introduce pets that didn't exist in the canon, especially cats because it seems like bad fic writers *love* cats for some unknown reason, but this story is one of those exceptions to the rule. Your cat doesn't somehow become the exaggerated focus of the story, she has just the right amount of focus and she just fits perfectly.

Also, I still adore how Randy isn't thinking the captain was being devious and this was at all the captain's plan to get rid of him. No, it's that sneaky little feline behind it all! Randy's loyalty and unshakable belief that the captain is just soft hearted and can't turn a kitten out into the street and wouldn't do something so underhanded is spot on.

Hee, and Randy thinking about how the cat was sneaky and plotting against him, that she was so devious and smart and *evil* makes me think maybe the captain got in touch with Bob Costas's demented cat salesman, and asked for a particularly demented kitty! You have seen Playoffs, haven't you?
{¯`·._.·Kitten·._.·´¯}: knead you!not_purrrfect on August 23rd, 2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
That is so sweet I love cats so much, so this made me happy know Stottlemyer and Randy are sharing a cat. Very nice.

Edited at 2009-08-23 09:19 pm (UTC)